When you are fixing up a house, you can find some unexpected issues. Maybe you discover that there is no insulation in part of the house. Maybe the electrical wires or the plumbing pipes were installed wrong. There could be a number of unexpected problems to show up.
Likewise, when you are trying to fixing up your marriage, you may find unexpected problems that you did not realize were there. There could be problems that your spouse has that you were unaware of until you tried to make things better. Today, learn three ways to fix your marriage together.
1. Find Your Common Enemy
I have a friend who fought in the Gulf War in Iraq. He has told me several times about how when he first enlisted they all had groups. Everyone just found a specific group of people like themselves. For example, he is from New York, so he hung out with the guys from that area. However, when they went into battle, there were no groups because they all had a common enemy to fight.
Marriage can get this way, you are so busy fighting with each other that you forget that you have a common enemy. You can become one by understanding that there are outside forces that are trying to destroy your marriage. You can learn how to fight them together.
The Devil Is Your Enemy
You must understand that the devil hates a godly marriage, and he hates the home. Two people who join together in the marriage bond can work together to expand the Church of the living God more than one person alone. Therefore he is actively seeking to destroy the Christian marriage and family.
In understanding this as a couple you can put aside the things you may be fighting about and work together to solve the problems in your marriage.
Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.John 8: 44
Your Marriage Is a Target
You may think that you are not worth the trouble of satan targeting you, but you are if you attempt to live for God and have a good marriage. Don’t be naive about what the devil is doing to your marriage. If you don’t believe me, try making a choice to change something in your life for the better. For example, try saying something like I am going to more faithful to church, and everything that can go wrong on Sunday morning will go wrong on Sunday morning. Anytime you try to move forward for God, your adversary will try to block you. He knows that the mission of the Gospel could be advanced and he will do anything to stop it.
Anytime you try to do something for God, you will face the opposition of the devil. Mark it down, satan has a bullseye on your back and he has some fiery darts ready to throw at you. Understanding this is the first step to defeating him in your life and marriage.
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.Ephesians 6: 16
Recognize and Fight Him Together
My nephews are big-time hunters, they just love to hunt and trap game. I have seen their traps before. Some are small cages with lure inside and door that drops and traps them. Others are springloaded foothold traps when the unexpecting animal steps on the trigger and it locks on its foot. They choose a location, set the trap and come back later to check them.
The draw of sex outside of the marriage covenant is the trap of satan. Those images that tempt a man, are snares of satan to ruin your marriage relationship. He sets them up on the internet, then he stops be later to see who he has caught. The temptation of flirting with another person is a snare that satan has set to catch you, once you are in the trap door falls and so does your marriage.
Doubtless, he has placed all types of traps in your life and in your marriage. You have to realize that these are deliberate attempts to catch and destroy you and your marriage. Understand that the devil is putting out hidden traps for your spouse and work together to keep each other out of them. The great thing about marriage is if one of you gets trapped, the other can help them out.
You can also find those hidden traps and protect your spouse from them. By meeting the emotional and physical needs of your spouse, they will not need to wander around the traps! Stop thinking about your problems and focus on helping your spouse with theirs.
He Wants You to Fight
If you are busy fighting each other, you cannot do anything for the cause of Christ. You cannot join the battle for the souls of men if you are fighting each other instead. He will, therefore, put thoughts and questions about your spouse in your mind with the single purpose of making you fight. He will make you question God, and the more you listen to him, the more ground he will gain in your marriage.
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.James 4:7
You both have an enemy to fight, and that enemy is the devil. Join together to fight him.
View Your Fights with Each Other as an Enemy
There is a different way of looking at your disagreements as well. Think of them as the enemy and you both as the victims of them. Instead of blaming each other, blame the argument itself. By putting your focus on the argument itself instead of each other, it takes the heat off each other. This helps you see your disagreements differently. You can now work together as a team to beat the argument.
2. Use the TEAM Method
Together you can win
Marriage is a partnership that was created by God. This is not a 50/50 type deal. It is you giving 100 percent and your spouse giving 100 percent. In the beginning, He put the first man and first woman together with all their strengths and weaknesses so that they could work together to do His will. It is, therefore, in His creative design that you work together.
The marriage covenant makes two separate people become one. Therefore, together you can overcome your problems. Together you can make your marriage something beautiful. When you enter into the marriage covenant, you lose your life and find in another’s.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.Genesis 2: 24
Each person is respected
It should go without saying, but it really needs saying. Each spouse in the marriage relationship deserves the other’s respect. Remember that marriage is a partnership that God created. In this partnership, each should be respected as a person that God created and allowed you to enter into the covenant of marriage together with.
Even though the husband is the Biblical leader of the home, (see Ephesians 5: 22-25) this does not mean that he is superior to wife. As a person, the husband and the wife are equal in the partnership of marriage, even though they have different positions within the design of marriage and the home. Therefore the husband should treat his wife with all her emotions, feelings, and desires with respect.
Furthermore, the wife should treat her husband with respect. How he feels and what he thinks should be important to her. Unless he is abusing her and the children, in which case she needs to get away from Him. Otherwise, there should be mutual respect within the marriage relationship. Without this, there cannot be a successful marriage.
Always give the benefit of a doubt
Never assume the worst about your spouse. Always assume the best. Perhaps your wife is struggling with something that you may not understand. Maybe your husband is going through something and needs your patience and understanding. Don’t just take everything that your spouse does or says as negative.
I know what she meant by that! No, you don’t. There is probably more to the story than what it seems from the outside. Ask questions to clarify if you need to. There may be something that you need to discuss together.
Meaning is more important than you winning
I don’t know why, but for some reason, some people always have to win an argument. They have to get the last word in. The truth is you never really win an argument in marriage, in fact, you probably lost if you think you won. What you are fighting about may not be what you are really fighting about. It is like the old saying, the bone that is on the table is not the bone the dog is choking on.
Understanding this is critical in the marriage covenant. Underlying frustration in marriage can lead to fights about completely unrelated things. It is like the root of bitterness that the Bible describes.
Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;Hebrews 12: 15
It is all about the way you make your spouse feel. For example, your spouse may have a deep fear of being rejected, and your actions may be making them feel rejected. This could be the root of all the arguments that you don’t understand.
Use the TEAM method to improve your relationship and solve the problems in your marriage.
Together you can win / Each person is respected/ Always give the benefit of a doubt/ Meaning is more important than winning.
3. Become Accessible to Each Other
God made marriage as the most vulnerable relationship in the world. A man and woman with absolutely nothing to hide from each other. This is the inference of the story of their creation.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.Genesis 2:25
In marriage, there is nothing that should be hidden from each other. Love is the ultimate gamble. Will she like me? Will he love me for me? We take the chance for the reward of love. We become vulnerable to someone who could hurt us.
Transfer those actions and feelings into the marriage covenant and make yourself vulnerable to your spouse. It could very well save your marriage! What do you really have to lose by showing the most intimate parts of your heart to your spouse? You have entered into a covenant with each for a lifetime. It is time you started acting like it!
When You Hide things from Your Spouse, You Lose
Take the time to really open up and talk to each other about how you feel. You may be surprised. What is your deepest fear? What is the one thing that you are afraid of? These kinds of questions can put your marriage and your struggles into perspective.
Be the Person that Your Spouse Can Come to
You become the person that your spouse can talk to about how they feel. Be the person who refuses to judge them. Be the person that accepts them with all their flaws and fears. Marriage is a man and woman coming together to share a life with nothing to hide from each other.
How you can fix your marriage together
- Find your common enemy
- Use the TEAM method
- Become Accessible to Each other.